no wonder mum said this year was an emotional rollarcoaster for me. last year, when i was preparing for the PGA, it was hard and i cried. then when the whole mess of the PGA thing was shot, i cried. and then i cried again when i got a second chance. and then i cried when my prelims was 15. and then i cried when i had 12. so just to let you ppl know i'm not prone to crying that much. it's just a thing i do when i'm stressed. normally i beat people up but in these occassions, i think i was overwhelmed. yeah, that's a nice word to use. i'm not a cry baby, nor do i like people to see me cry.

let me tell you the suckest thing. see, i think the school was trying to calculate what our marks were for the two pga people. they totally forgot about our chinese marks. so of course when they calculated for me, i had 14 pts. and yesh, my mum told me (physics teacher duh so of course she knew from someone) and then i cried for like 3 hours. really felt like jumping. no joke. then when we were going to get the results, she called again and said that the teachers made a mistake. bloody hell. mistake like that not funny u know. 10 points and 14 points very different. i was so pissed. if i had jumped, that teacher would be guilt ridden for life. haha. (ok, so maybe that wouldn't be very funny since we're talking about a life here)

of course i cried again. let me tell you, my mum was so relieved. even my sister thought i did badly. cos they annouced that quek had 11( pga person as well wad) which they also calculated wrongly. she had 10, just like me. and my a1s were for eng and lit. can u believe that? physics. hmph. not going to talk about that. yy had 9 pts and sonya 6. my friends are all smarter than me. even dorothy had 9. woah. but life is okay. i guess. i think yy might be going to NJ. project work will be starting soon. actually i thought 10 pts was really bad compared to my friends but now i don't think so. only 55 % of people from my batch in sn had 10 or less. even june was saying it was good. as well as yanni. i think i scared sangeeta. she was worried i'll jump. and i was worried i really would.

ming looks really good. really pretty, she'll kill me for saying that. i miss her.

believe in yourself because i believe in you. whenever i say that, i have doubts. not doubts about the people i say it to since i mean what i say, but doubts that i don't have the faith to believe in myself. and that's scary

yesterday i recieved many smses from past seniors and people who have gone through what i have yet to go through, (getting back the results) and they all believe in me. and now it's my turn to doubt my abilities. even my mum wants to look at the situation realistically, and what she means by that is that i should expect less than what i'm expecting now. i want a 9. that's hard to get i know. but miracles do happen.

Sunrise

when the morning comes
and day breaks
i rise up and meet
the challenges up ahead

on the long road of life
the cliched, the feeling of strife
hits and pain is all i feel
and sometimes wonder about the deal

realism is better than a lie
and then i think back and sigh
because truths hurt more than they should
even more than i thought they could

when you
stop smiling
stop answering
stop looking
the hurt is there
but then i think back
should i care?

ooooooookay, that was weird. yeah, i know i did it in like 5 minutes or so. but i just felt. sad. perhaps? not sure. found out that friday will definitely be getting back results. i'm not sure whether that's good news or bad. but it's better than worrying. what will come will come. no matter how much we avoid something, it's always there waiting for us. sounds like a stalker. maybe.

ack. blogger is acting all weird and stuff. really slowing down the whole computer. and yet i'm still blogging. yeah, celebrated thinking day today instead of going for the AC funfair. i wanted to just go to one other JC besides VJ. (i didnt go for any other JC open house except VJ's) . SN recieved the gold award again so yay. and their sun dance was really cool. with all the pom poms and stuff. pretty.

jing finally went online to review my fics. though i must say that i was hoping she'll review more than the single stories. as in, all the chapters of Mirror. oh well. can remind her again. freaking out over history test but i'm not going to study for it until sunday. feel real slack today and i know i'll most probably not do anything after this.

my senior class is really cool. nice people. though it would be nice if they thought us some of the arts fac cheers. though technically we're in houses. we're all still part of the arts faculty. was looking thru felda's yearbook and i was like, where's june? cos i was looking at the S3 classes when she was in S21. i told her she looked like a piece of shit but actually she looked pretty. gag me. oh well. hopefully we'll get to buy a copy of the yearbook cos i do know quite a number of y3 and y2 people. it'll be nice to have some sort of memory of how toot they looked last time. *grins*

hmm. looks like i'm free tmr. whooooopie. hm. and i didn't even know until just now. great. now i've got to think of what i want to do tomorrow. gladys has guides (no surprise)... MING!!!! salvation. okay, so she might totally slug me for making that comment but in this case, perhaps she wouldn't. hm. haven seen her for a darn long time. bleah. this is making me cranky. very cranky. grr. i think i might just stay at home at someone with no social life.

and in this case, it's true. after all, when benita asked my mum to buy ACJC funfair tickets for this saturday, my mum went:" she's got no time. she has no social life whatsoever." or something to that effect. so what. yeah, so i've got no social life. hoping that perhaps yy'll be free. then tmr can go out. but i doubt it. must always book her in advance one. haiz. i think i just feel tired. and then it makes me so want to not do anything. and i normally look forward to fridays. please dun tell me that my friday will be spent going back to SN again. if yy wants to go back to SN, and she's free, then i'll be going too. but if not, then i dun see the point. (now i sound rather pissed or something) grr.

yay. wonderful. finished my mock napfa. of course the matter of me passing is not the issue here. the issue here is that i finished it and i'm still alive. which is causing me to freak out. know why? because right now that all the running BS is over, i dun have anything else to worry about besides the Os. not that i like worrying about stuff. it's just that sometimes in the night, you just have to think of something, u know?

and then i know i have something to worry about. econs is bloody hard. and we're starting on a third chapter. whee. can you just feel the excitement. huh. the first chapter on central problems was okay, but then, when demand and supply start... hoo boy, the problems start. and it doesn't help that my mind tends to wonder when lectures are on. can you blame me?

actually, i think i can.

but that's not the point. the whole point of it is to finish the whole course of JC for 2 years... and survive intact. am i making sense here? maybe not.

wahaha. okay, so when i handed in my history essay, ms tan was like reading it (since i handed in early) and she started laughing. hoo boy. it's not very funny when a teacher starts laughing at your work. of course she did tell me why, that the way i phrased stuff was weird. and i get that. really. then today she told me that mine wasn't the worse, that there were some that *raises a hand to her forehead*... so that meant that whee, mine didn't suck as much as i thought it might have.

as it seems, i'm still alive. i dunno whether to sing with joy or to cry with sadness. basically, today's feb 14. valentine's day. as usual, sn girls go all out to celebrate this event. and when i went back on friday, (13th!!!!). i managed to get quite a large number of gifts, thanks to the guides and CCD. of course i'm still waiting to get my present from gladys.

and i found out something interesting as well. Valentine’s Day, in Japan, is a day on which girls give chocolates to their love ones…especially to boys they like/love. If the boy returns those feelings, he’ll present the girl with a gift on March 14th, known as White Day. cool huh? white day. but i dun think that's practiced in singapore. oh well. especially since both guys and girls give presents on the same day. (though the number of guys giving stuff to girls are relatively little)

wad i thought was really sweet was the guys in my class gave the girls plastic roses. (plastic but it looked damn nice for plastic). yay. so thanks. at first thought it was from keith since he was the one giving it to us. (pai seh)

oh, met daniel today. he was my mortal in the angel/mortal game. seems very nice. and tall. boy, tall people make me feel short. bleah.

one week later

sister's having tuition again and i've got to practice my piano later. great. haven found a piece to do sight reading. and i still haven done the movie outline. but that's okay. cos i decided that if i die on saturday (x country) or monday (2.4), then i don't have to do it. if i survive, then i'll worry about it. though i doubt i'll have to do it in the end.

incident during history class today, mr samual lim was giving the lecture... so it was quite interesting. i think lectures by him is always interesting, (though we have to copy the analysis like so darn fast) and it was quite funny. er, if u look at it in a different perspective. he was emphasing words like "the king was DEAD." "DOWN with the tyrant. "they were GONE."

then, er, conan, this guy from the chinese high school was er, kinda sleeping. so mr lim was all annoyed and stuff. then he told us why he was bias against tchs guys. apparently, in 1998 (mind u, 1998) he went for this course thingy, and then a lady asked him which school he came from ( as in, taught) and he said vjc. then he saw that she had like some paper with the heading chinese high, so he said:" you're from chinese high?" and she went, "no, i'm from THE chinese high school." with the emphasis on the THE. so from that day on, he'll always pronouce the THE. then he asked who else was from tchs, and poor jian yong... mr lim went, "jian? jian wad? oh, JIAN yong." okay, so maybe it wasn't funny for the poor guys, but i guess it brought some form of comic relief.

i realised i haven been blogging much, well, you could hardly blame me, could ya? looks like i only get the computer on wednesdays when my sister is having tuition. HAH. she's been spending all her bloody time playing neoquest 2. and she doesnt even care that i want to use the computer. pooh.

finished anne rice's newest vampire chronicles. okay, so it was published in 2002 but it didn't get into singapore until 2003. i wonder if she's running outta ideas, since she's combining the mayfair witches and the vampire chronicles together. would rather she stick to the gang. lestat, louis, david, marius... the usual. rather than the whole new ones. oh sure, quinn's fine, but i realised that it's the girl vampires that really irritate me.

should have just borrowed the court shoes from nat in the first place. instead of worrying about it like an idiot.

tmr must finish reading the diary entries and getting the movie outline. okay, i'm sure i'll be able to do that/ *sort of confident tone of voice*

going out with yy again on friday. yay! should be watching the last samurai with her. hopefully it'll be accurate, after all, it does take place rather near the kenshin period. which i am not sure is when.